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Bite of the Green Monkey

Bite of the Green Monkey

He’s mean. He’s green. He’s like nothing you’ve ever seen.

(Click to enlarge)
Weird, dingy green monkey toy

I found this nasty, old, green monkey recently, and I was immediately disturbed.

I hate to admit it, but the first thing that came to mind is that classic story where the AIDS virus was started by a bite from the infamous African “green monkey” (and some tellings of the story actually involve sex with the green monkey). It’s goofy I know, but if I ever had to pick a green AIDS monkey out of a police line up, this would be it.

(Click to enlarge)
Weird, dingy green monkey toy

(Click to enlarge)
Weird, dingy green monkey toy

And just how desperate are you as a scientist to get close to this thing (let alone sexually active)? There have got to be plenty of reasons to stay away from a green monkey:

1. He’s a monkey.

2. He’s green.

3. He’s pissed (probably because a scientist just made a pass at him).

4. He’s covered in blood (maybe the aftermath of the infamous bite?).

5. He’s got chunks of flesh missing, and it looks like his skull is coming through his face (maybe we’ve got it all wrong. It could be a zombie monkey… and he was actually approached by a witch doctor).

There are no markings on this nappy monkey toy, but there is a small sticker on its foot which reads, “Hand Painted – Artmark – Hong Kong.”

(Click to enlarge)
Weird, dingy green monkey toy

Hand-painted? Are you kidding? So, arbitrary red splotches and white highlights on his face called for hand-painting? Well, at least it gave jobs to out-of-work artists (but most likely it’s the handywork of small asian children).

The monkey is just a hollow, plastic sculpt covered with flocking… giving him that fuzzy, nappy feel. It has a broken loop or hook or something on its head, which makes me think it is a window-hanger or something.

I sure as hell hope this thing isn’t a Christmas tree ornament.

11 Responses

  1. Jason says:

    Yikes! Great find. Watch out, he might go Bakersfield Chimp on ya!!

  2. Jen says:

    Well, with the red and green he could be oddly festive… sort of a holiday memento mori.

  3. Carrie says:

    Very disturbing. Happy Haiku Friday!

  4. Josh Latta says:

    This looks like an air freshener or some crap like that.

  5. Justin says:

    Josh, you could be onto something. It definitely could be an air freshener (a pricey, plastic three-dimensional one). With its mossy-fur texture, it was probably pine-scented.

  6. mr tweeny says:

    eeeeioww, looks like it has moss growing all over it.

  7. Mistuh_t says:

    Oh man can you imagine a christmas tree covered in these. That would be the most epic christmas decorating ever

  8. Justin says:

    Yeah. Christmas monkeys. Makes just as much sense as Easter Bunnies I guess.

  9. Oran Parker says:

    Okay…this monkey is seriously freaking me out. My son just walked by and said “I don’t wanna see it!” then ran out of the room. What parent gave this toy to their kid to play with? HA!

  10. The true sign of a weirdo toy 😀

  11. Carl says:

    I had that little guy as a kid. It was supposed to be King Kong, an homage to the empire state building scene. Hence the blood splotches.

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